if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
