We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
