I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
