I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
