I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
