Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
