Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
