too bad you live with your parents still
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
