he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
