mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
