She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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