so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
