just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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