Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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