he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
