Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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