Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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