grandma shit on top of the toilet
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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