Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
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I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wear drunk well.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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