Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
