The maid of honor just puked.
She is in my trunk
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
