Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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