We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
