My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
