Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
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I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.