I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
