So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
