Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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