what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
