I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
