you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
