The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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