I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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