tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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