we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
