If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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