got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
