you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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