I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
