i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
