i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
