I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
