Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
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