Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
