My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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