the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
