I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
