Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
