Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
