Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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