everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
