I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
