i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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