I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
