I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
