apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
