what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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