is your mom at the bar?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
